OTHER STUFF
Hello. Evil Nakedfella has returned from raiding
the local university paper's "shithouse promo CDs"
cabinet, and the result is a fantastic retrospective of the
type of stuff publicists tried to flog off on the public during
2001-2002. Sit back and enjoy Evil Nakedfella's special reviewing
method, and remember: unlike his previous reviews, these discs
actually exist. Beware.
Bounce With Me
Lil' Bow Wow
single
So So Def Recordings/Columbia
This Stevie Wonder-like musical prodigy is very adept at
speaking quickly in between electronic blips. He truly made
me believe that a four-year-old can be all about "cash,
flash and girls". Ably assisted by several nameless older
men, he makes this track (and the three bonus remixes) fly
by like Choke You Weak Night at Seamy Strapla's Palace of
Pain. Also, the extra remix of Bow Wow (That's My Name) is
a heartfelt song about a little boy who has lost his dog.
It brought a tear to my eye, and my tear ducts were cauterized
with a hot needle eight years ago, so that's saying something.
***
So Far Away
Stabbing Westward
single
Koch/Shock
It's gratifying to see that so many former Buffy extras are
making names for themselves, but the lyrics to this song are
as dull as the music. If you're going to insist on dressing
like a Goth-inflected pansy, at least sing lines better than
"Darling, if you leave me, I'll find you/And cut a hole
in your stomach/And **** it, yeah". That shit is so '80s.
*
Knives Out
Radiohead
single
Parlophone/EMI
I had hoped that there would be more stabbing in this song,
given the title, but I was not able to understand the atonal
warblings of Mr. Radiohead. A lesson learned, I hope: never
ruin your tales of knifing pregnant women with bad pronunciation
-- it lessens the punch of the closing gag.
**
Future Native
Your Backyard
single
Revelation/MGM
Ah, an Australian disc. At least, I assume it is, since people
in other countries tend to kill children named "PJ"
at birth. These young'uns make an admirable attempt at being
an environmentally aware rock band by rhyming "pollution"
and "revolution" and using phrases like "environmental
genocide". I don't give a damn about the environment
(and in fact am indirectly responsible for the Exxon spill),
but I do like to support the efforts of young, brainless radicals.
And one can't go past a song which features fake coughing
over the fade.
****
No Matta What (Party All Night)
Toya
single
Arista/BMG
I suspect I f***ed this young lady fifteen years ago, although
that may have been Whitney Houston. The Me Decade seems so
far away now. As for the song, well, I love artists who are
secure enough with their grasp of the English language to
intentionally misspell words. Also, Toya's producers made
the wise decision to include snippets of the girl singing
with the high and low frequencies removed so it sounds like
she's singing down a telephone line. That kind of thing makes
a song for me. Unfortunately, I must dock her score by one
star, as she continually states that it's Friday night when
it's obviously Wednesday afternoon.
***
Crush
Mandy Moore
single
Epic/Sony
She just wants to hold me, apparently. Sadly, she will never
have me, since I have tired of dating human females over the
age of nine.
**
Never A Dull Moment
Tommy Lee
album
MCA/Universal
Many people ask me in jest, "Hey dude, how's your pal
Tommy Lee?" I assume this is because I am evil and he
is perceived as being evil also because of his swearing and
tattoos. Let me state this for the record: I am truly evil.
I have killed kittens. I have raped puppies. I have wiped
my penis on somebody's toothbrush. I have tasted the pure
godlike power of driving a new lime Volkswagen. I have hit
a small child repeatedly while inserting parts of myself into
both of his parents. I have made lousy pun after lousy pun
to elderly nursing home residents whose hips are too frail
and brittle to allow them to escape from me with any speed.
And I enjoy these things. I am not only the most evil cartoon
character in the world, I am the most evil entity in the universe,
bar none. There is nobody, living or dead, who ever has been
or ever will come close to being as plainly wrong, nasty and
evil as I, especially that skanky, hairy pusball of a syphilis-ridden
crack whore, Tommy Lee. Oh, he beat his wife Pamela Anderson,
you say? Big f***ing deal. Everybody who ever met that dirty,
two-faced, red-nubbed c**-c****er wanted to punch that reupholstered
t**t.
no stars
Dance All Night
BJ Caruana
single
Destinova/Warner
Although the girl on the cover of this release looks like
she is having a length of thin plastic piping being shoved
up her ass by a Plumbing and Mechanical Services student from
Holmesglen Institute of TAFE, this song is a pleasant disco
trifle by a girl who, by her own lyrics, wishes to be hit
repeatedly while she dances, which, I must admit, is something
I too enjoy. This disc also features four extra remixes of
the track, which is one up on that Lil' Bow Wow kid.
***
Peaches & Cream
One Twelve
single
Arista/BMG
Finally, Boyz II Men have returned! No one ever believes
me when I tell them about the time I ran into Wanya Morris
in a Los Angeles Seven-Eleven and cried like a baby until
he agreed to give me a hug, but it's TRUE and I have photos
-- I just lost them, that's all. Anyway, they're back with
a new name and an unforgettable new track. 'Peaches &
Cream' is a sexy, sensual groove with on-the-nose lyrics ("This
is the remix" -- so true!) and otherworldly close harmony
singing. I'm humping the left speaker as I type this. Pure
R&B gold.
*****
Soul Mate #9
Tina Arena
single
Columbia/Sony
I probably should not be reviewing this disc, since I am
somewhat biased regarding little Tina (she's my daughter).
Still, I will tell you that her voice continues to blow away
any other female singer in this country (except John Farnham's)
and she's very good in the sack.
****
Show Me (You Love Me)
Soda Club
single
Concept/Sony
Excellent! Three tarts adorn the cover of this perfect piece
of bouncy dance-pop, each more painted and slapperish than
the last. My favourite is the one in the middle, who proves
that the Bride of Frankenstein hairdo is definitely back in
for the naughty Noughties. Not surprisingly, however, there's
more to this talented trio than just the scented female flesh
sandwich in the cover photo. This disc also boasts four extra
remixes, which are no end of fun to listen to while driving
your Toyota Echo, as long as you force out of your mind the
nagging thought that the tracks were probably produced wholly
by some acne-riddled kumquat in an Atari T-shirt who has never
ventured out of his bedroom, let alone set eyes on a real
life woman (or even one of our peachy cover skanks). The sound
is, however, masterful and fun, full of fake electric sample
instruments (which is exactly how I like my rock) and the
girls pleading for you to show them you love them, although
I would have preferred them to be pleading for their lives
as I raise the bloody eggbeater one final time. Ah well --
we can't have everything!
****
<< I am done. Go away now.
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