OTHER STUFF
Once again, it is I, Evil Nakedfella, presenting
you cretins with some capsule reviews of movies which only
I have had the pleasure of viewing -- because they are figments
of my own fertile imagination. Come. Sit and be informed.
Harry Knowles eats my rectum.
Dreckquiem For A Ream
Paramounted / 147 mins
Stars: Ryan Phillippe, Ernest Borgnine and that chick who's
really hot but is a little too young to be thought of that
way. Good thing I'm evil!
Finally -- an artsy-fartsy movie the whole family
can enjoy, provided the whole family is into repeated anal
penetration. This is a zany romp of a film with a very simple
concept: faeces, faeces and more faeces, going in and coming
out of every orifice possible (and a couple that aren't!).
Ryan Phillippe is magnificent as the confused young man whose
drug habit is dragging his whole life into the gutter... that
is, until he meets Ernest Borgnine, playing a man whose ass
is very sore. Together, they start a stink-finger phenomenon
which sweeps America. And when Phillippe disembowels that
jailbait chick in the final moments... killer.
****
My Growing-Up Summer!
("Un Film Ennuyeux Que Nous N'Observerions Pas")
Miracrap / 96 mins
Stars: A 28-year-old French guy who's meant to be 17, good-looking
woman.
Another foreign film that's had four hours cut
out of it and subtitles added so the morons in Amnerika can
grasp it. Another "coming-of-age" drama that comes
nowhere close to depicting what it's actually like to be a
fuckknuckle teenager looking for a root. Another French movie
that eats it apart from the long (but not here -- thanks a
shitload, Yanks!), involved sex scenes. And even the sex scenes
are mostly the two twits sitting in bed with cigarettes talking
Sartre-come-Depardieu meaningless Euro-twaddle bullsport.
I just wish they enforced their statutory rape laws in France
so the movie could've ended 70 minutes earlier.
*
Turps, The Vicious Doggie
Dickelodeon / 72 mins
Stars: An adorable pit bull terrier, the kids from 7th Heaven,
the kids from Barney & Friends, the main cast of Touched
By An Angel.
Oh dear. What can I possibly say about this movie that won't
scar you for life? Just imagine your favourite character from
Touched By An Angel loosing an unfed, angry pit bull dog on
your favourite character from 7th Heaven and you'll have the
opening scene of Turps, The Vicious Doggie, a straight-to-video
romp which works best when viewed on a Wrestlemania level.
Turps is a lovable scamp of a doggie with a drinking problem
and severe migraines which aren't helped by the fact that
his owners (Della Reese and that Irish chick, who have it
off in this flick) mistreat him horribly. As a result, his
novel is coming along badly. Enter the Barney kids, as a hapless
group of Mormons who knock on Turps' door after he's had one
too many homebrews. Thus begins a canine rampage the likes
of which could never have been hinted at by K-9, Turner &
Hooch or even that one with Chuck Norris. Homicide, sexual
violence, a trip to Ikea -- nothing is off-limits for this
wacky, fun-loving pooch. Have you read Hammer Of The Gods,
that book about Led Zeppelin? If so, you'll be pleased to
hear that ol' Turps indulges in at least half the stunts John
Bonham tried, and even succeeds where the great rock drummer
failed. You know the bit I'm talking about. Yeah, you do.
Hee hee hee hee hee.
*****
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